Lets Have Some Jokes

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.

I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 1024×768.

"Students Die In Safari Crash" I bet they wished they'd just stuck with Internet Explorer now.

What's green and smells like yellow paint?

Green Paint.

Three tortoises, Mick, Tom and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer and says "Ok Roy give me

the bottle opener".

"I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it".

Mick gets worried, so he turns to Tom and says "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Tom didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Tom beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road like a sweetie.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Tom are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each and

just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts:

"you bastards I Knew it, Im not freaking going now !!!"

Dive safe

DeanB

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way,

So I stole one and asked him to forgive me

Whats a baby seals favourite drink?

Canadian Club on the Rocks

A one armed blonde is hanging from a tree. How can you make her fall?

You wave at her!

A religious man keeps on praying every day to win the lottery.

Finally after five years he looks up to the sky and says "God, I am a good person, all I ask is that I win a lottery, even small one"

All of a sudden the clouds part and a booming voice says "You have to meet me half way, buy a lottery ticket."

2 guys driving down the road,

The gas station sign said “FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP”. So they fill it up!

When they ask the attendant about the free sex, he says, its like a lottery. You guess and number between 1-10. Get it right and win. They both guess and lose.

Passenger says, "I think you can never win this thing." Driver insists you can.

Passenger, “What makes you so sure?”

Driver, “My wife won twice last week!”

I was golfing with a fella last week. About hole 5 I asked him how his congregation was. Puzzled he said, how do you know I'm a pastor. I said, no one else I know can golf that lousy without cussing.

A man was golfing with his wife. He hits a long drive on a par 5 that lands just in the rough behind a tree. Upon arriving at the ball the wife suggests chipping it onto the fairway. He examines the lie and notices that he can see the flag between the first branches of the tree. He proclaims golf a mans game and then he pulls out the 3 wood. He connects really well. The ball hits the tree richochets off and hits his wife in the head killing her instantly.

3 weeks after the funeral he's golfing with his buddy and his buddy hits the identical drive on the same hole. As his buddy is sizing up the shot and reaching for the 3 wood, his friend says I woudn't do that if I were you. I tried it a few weeks back and got a bogey.

What do you call a dog with 3 legs, 1 eye, 1 ear and a broken tail? .... lucky.

This one made me laugh.

Second thoughts....

Maybe it was abit rude for some...

An old Italian lived alone in Chicago . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie